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The Inquisition by Ronan McDonnell - Contents Page
The Inquisition by Ronan McDonnell - Semper Quarens - Always Looking


Most people will come up with Gandhi when asked to name a famous teetotaler. Although partial to some strange practices in his private life, he preached non-violence as a benevolent means to achieve your goals but, all the same, everyone knows Adolf Hitler was also a teetotaler. Therefore one can easily recognise that only a vegetarian non-drinker and non-smoker is capable of such elevated egomania and misanthropy. In short abstinence clearly makes us odd at best, but more likely entirely deranged.

It is this same mental formidableness that keeps James Hetfield shrieking, keeps David Beckham kicking balls and keeps Vladimir Putin hunting while shirtless and oiled-up. Clearly teetotalers are obsessive sociopaths and it is for this reason that Frankie Boyle vented such ugly vehemence at Jordan’s austistic and blind son. We shouldn’t harangue him, he probably just needs a smoke and a whisky. Driven by the lack of alcohol John the Baptist convinced his cousin that he was god, and chucked him into the River Jordan.

Lots of the teetotalers in the Wikipedia link below are reformed alcoholics. This is because they saw the error of their ways, they needed to lose their imperfect humanity and become unfeeling cyborgs intent on success. George Bush led the world in a fight against an abstract ideology while he ran from demonic alcohol; George was able to see past the inebriated fug that clouded others’ judgements when they said he could never defeat an idea. When he stepped off the alcohol train Eric Clapton found the courage to descend into levels of cheesy schmaltz that would terrify lesser artists. Without alcohol Alastair Campbell was suddenly able to present Tony Blair to the world truthfully, and with a complete lack of the duplicity that alcoholics engage in.

This cruel efficiency is the mark of the teetotaler, they have their eyes on the bigger target. How else could Brian Blessed have such presence? Or Naomi Campbell have such clarity of thought? Or Keith Chegwin have the temerity to have gone on TV in the nude? The absence of alcohol in his life has made Tom Cruise a calm, considered actor who thinks before he acts.

Alcohol simply inhibits us. True world leaders, like Shania Twain, have always known this.

Wikipedia’s list of well-known teetotalers

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