Bear Grylls, Ray Mears and MacGyver are heroes to many. But those guys have it all wrong. When the Apocalypse strikes you will have to make do in the tangled embers of civilisation, and not up a tree in the Arctic Circle eating berries while fending off polar bears with a penknife.
Technically speaking the information which follows ought to be trademarked and securely copyrighted. The world will be a survival of the fittest, so anything that has your back is pure gold. The Inquisition however, is too nice for its own good and is simply giving this information away. You’re welcome.
Sturdy and dependable, a kit you can rely on
This will form the backbone of your kit. Store everything in this. Plastic versions are sturdy and relatively waterproof. If you have to ford across rivers of souls you’ll want your kit to remain dry.
Fight Fatigue While You Fight Satan's Hordes
When you need to stare down those Four Horsemen, you’d be well advised to make sure you are wide awake, or they will tear you a new one. This sachet is easily carried, being small and light. Remember portability is practicality.
Communication is the key to survival
This is NOT for eating. It is important that you trade this. In a world where hi-tech systems are dust, communicating effectively can mean survival. This medium to long distance communications solution works best if you have a tin at either end of your string. Barter the contents of your tin for a second empty one. This means you need only carry one tin in the run-up to Doomsday.
Note
The Inquisition favours tomato for this purpose. It’s a great base for many foods and can be traded easily. Choose chopped tomatoes; if you need to trade with others who do not have the next item on the list, this will clinch the deal.
Just look at that blade - long.
In a world of hellfire butter will become more spreadable. You need to be in a position to capitalise on every opportunity, every hand that fate deals you.
Note
Never use a short bladed penknife as it doesn’t have the reach to go from one side of a slice of toast to the other.
Gorging on festering corpses is not without its downsides; be prepared.
Other so-called survival “experts” recommend painkillers but this is a scattergun approach. Humanity will forced to eat scabies riddled rat carcasses; it’s your stomach you need to worry about. Be absolutely precise about the medication you require.
Note
You will see that the pack is open. Always thoroughly test your kit before deployment. To accurately simulate the abdominal environment after a feast of rodent scabies The Inquisition recommends eating several items straight from your garden. Brown coloured items would be preferable.
Hygiene - clean as a whistle, top to toe
Cleanliness is next to godliness. So when God is going through his entrance lists this may well be a consideration. It’s a bit like wearing cologne in a nightclub in that it won’t guarantee you will successfully get in there, but it won’t harm your chances either.
Rat รก la Mode? Gratin giblets? Bien sur monsieur.
What goes well with rat corpse? The Inquisition is willing to bet you have no idea, so make sure you have reference material. This will be absolutely invaluable.
Note
This particular book is illustrated. Languages may be replaced with frantic speaking in tongues at the end of days. Pictures will help.
The contemplation of nature can be a game changer
A powerful psychological restorative. Studies have shown that in times of great stress the contemplation of the awesome power of nature can induce thoughts of serenity. In a world burnt by the aforementioned hellfires, this little fellow will become your best friend and constant companion.
The original multi-tool
This is a fundamental item in any kit. Without shelter YOU WILL DIE. String a couple of these together and, in minutes, you will have an exquisite cupola. Remember, if one item can do two things then you will need to carry less. So, you can also use this item to clean those festering rat corpses a bit.
Note
An attractive pattern will give your hovel a more homely appearance.
Drinking stagnant and unclean water can be very dangerous. It may contain any number of contaminants. Lucky for you then that your own urine is not poisonous to you. Clean out the stagnant water by adding your own.
The Inquisition must urge caution, however. Solids, including your own, can be tough and unpalatable and are best avoided.
Wear bright colours. These offer far greater camouflage against a background of hellfires and general incendiary destruction. Demons and devils are therefore less likely to notice you and attempt to somodise you with their spears.
Lastly, remember to bring sunglasses with polarising lenses to shield your eyes from God’s reflected glory.
The Inquisition has provisionally registered the business name, “The Apocalypso Bar”. An oasis of fun in the middle of general global chaos, the bar will host wonderful Caribbean-themed evenings of exotic cocktails and calypso dancing. This is an example of the kind of forward-planning mindset you will need to employ for a successful and productive period of survival.
Obviously forewarned is fore-armed, so to that end grab one of these venerable tomes listed by Wired. Zombie hoards will literally crap themselves when they see you eating rats in your plush mud and leaves hut.
This article was posted by Ronan McDonnell on
Sunday, September 5th, 2010 at
13:19.
It is archived in Environment, Food, Health, Wild Places and tagged advice, apocalypse, bear grylls, end of the world, lunchbox, macgyver, penknife, ray mears, survive.
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Quite possibly the greatest compliment The Inquisition has ever received.